Friday, April 22, 2011

If I die before I wake...

Who in the hell is going to take care of my four boys?! (Well, Jude would have to have died too, of course.) Assuming Cullen's dad is still alive, he would want Cullen. That leaves three boys (whom I wouldn't want to separate in the first place). Jude and I have discussed this time and time again, and it's not that we don't agree on anyone, we just have no idea WHO to choose. It would be like a death sentence to whomever we picked. No winning! Both sets of our parents are in their mid-sixties and three out of four are handicapped to some degree from accidents or past surgeries. I feel as if we would be ruining their lives. I know we would. Jude is an only child, and I have one older sister. To say we are not close is an understatement. She doesn't even like to hold my boys at holidays because "they're germ carriers". She has one teenage son who is almost out of the house. She's done. So here I am, laying in bed, wondering about the worst case scenario. Both sets of our parents have said that they would want them, but how do you choose? When you do decide, do you tell the set that you didn't pick, or do you wait until you are dead and gone, then cause them more pain? How do you even start to create a custody arrangement on children YOU chose to have? Our parents would all be eighty-something before the last boy left the house. That's insane to think about! I'm looking for that magic answer and wasting time as the years go by with no legal plan. Any ideas or advice? Any takers? <---That was a joke!


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Me? A.D.D.?

And so it is so. Cullen gets it from his momma.
I started reading an AOL article about ADD, and it took off from there. I recognized so many of the symptoms in myself, that I decided to take some quizzes I found online. They all came back "You have ADD". I then decided to talk to my mom, who was sleeping over that weekend, and she said it wouldn't hurt to talk to my doctor about it. Apparently, many decisions in my past kinda make sense now when their is a medical reason to explain the impulsivity I had growing up. (I am still super impulsive now!) I talked to Jude about it, and when telling him the symptoms of adult ADD, his response was that all adults could fit in that category. He then took the quiz himself online, and he got "You are NOT ADD". My point proven. I understand that we can all be forgetful, impulsive, unorganized, habitually late, etc., but when you look back and realize it has affected your entire life, there is a problem there. As much as I would like to list all the "events" that took place in my life that make all this make sense now, I don't want to share with the world all my past failures and beat myself up in black and white. I was depressed for a few days when I figured this all out, with my self diagnosis, because I kept thinking of all the things I would have done differently, had I known all along that I had ADD. It took a few people telling me that I wouldn't be where I am now (in a VERY HAPPY PLACE) if I changed anything in my past. I get it now. It just hit hard the first few days.
So, I made an appointment with my family doctor and went in to talk to her about it. She told me she would like a psychological evaluation before we do anything to treat it, just to verify and be cautious. I then made an appointment with a psychologist and took the ADD test. While speaking in the psychologists office, she asked me to start with school and go on from there with how well or poor I did and what events took place in my life after. When we were done talking, I realized even more what a problem this has been in my life. Really. She diagnosed me with ADHD, with the symptoms of impulsivity and attention deficit. (I am not the hyper type, the term ADHD is the only one they use in the medical field now, followed with your symptoms, no more "ADD".)
The next step was going back to my family doctor and deciding what to do. I did, and I chose to give prescriptions a try. Cullen takes them (as I have blogged about previously) and I see them work in him daily. I am on day three at the moment, as this all went down in March. I am trying to get used to the effects of it.
Like I stated previously, I was a tad depressed when all this hit me, and I have gone back and forth on wanting to share this with the world. But, as you all know, I am an open book, and in being that way, I have connected with others going through some of the same issues I've faced. I decided to share this. You can judge me, talk about me, do what you have to do. I know I am making the right choice in my life right now and Jude is supporting me one hundred percent, which means the world to me. We will see how this first prescribed medication helps (or doesn't) and I hope to update everyone in a few weeks. Maybe I will have the attention capability to continue on with my blogging. We'll see.
Also, to my very close friends, past and present, if you have noticed any ADHD qualities in me in the past, please feel free to discuss them openly with me. I learned a lot about myself last month and all feedback is welcome, positive or negative. I told one good friend about my ADHD, whose response was "no way!". I told another good friend who said "I knew that about you already." The feedback is interesting;) Thanks!