Do I regret having four kids?

That was the question my husband asked me the other night. The day that I totally lost it on our children. Thursday. In short, the answer is no. Absolutely not.  It has NEVER crossed my mind! Things have been so rough here lately. With three boys in school, myself in college, and a baby at my feet, afternoons, specifically homework time (3-6 pm), have been unbearable. No one ever wants to do their homework. Cullen's homework (in sixth grade advanced studies) takes him over three hours a night to do. He has to do it in his room because the rest of the house is so hectic and chaotic, and I honestly don't know what he is doing in there.  I have to sporadically check in on him, when I remember to.  At the end of the night, his answers are sometimes wrong, and they need to be erased and redone.  Aiden needs me to sit next to him and spell words out as he writes sentences (which he does not enjoy), and he needs to read to me.  Roman, well he needs someone to basically DO his homework at the age of four, as he is not great at finding objects in magazines, cutting them out, and pasting them in order correctly on the notebook page.  And then there's my homework!
The back talking, growling, hissing, fighting, fits, and everything else negative that is happening in this house, drove me over the edge Thursday.  I lost it on my children, yelled (and cursed) like an insane maniac.  I told them I could care less what they do with their life, they can fail and it's on them to repeat the grade, not me, and that I no longer would bother with trying to help them succeed (to put it all nicely).  I then called Jude at work, sobbing, telling him to come home before I did anything else stupid in the parenting department.  They won!  The little midget bullies in my home conquered me.  I was angry for the next 12 hours or so, though I did fit an apology in that evening to my poor, disturbed, children.  But, I have held a grudge the past four days and can feel a tiny distance between me and the boys.  I hate it.  I absolutely hate it. 
Jude was upset, concerned, and in desperate need of an immediate answer.  He tried talking to me that night, but it was of no use.  The following day, he came home early from work and informed me he had made an appointment with a family therapist; one to lead us in the right direction in this parenting saga.  I was a little upset at first.  In fact, it bothered me for days.  Until today.  Today was the appointment day and I sat in the office with my arms and legs crossed, sipping my Starbucks frap.  I wanted to see where this was going to go, but not necessarily "be there".  After 20 minutes of being in the room, I noticed my arms were unfolded, my drink was done, and I was talking.  Maybe being there wasn't such a bad idea.  The therapist had already suggested something I hadn't thought of in my time of desperation...a reward chart for doing homework.  The ol' positive reinforcement scenario.  She also said a few other things that made me look at it all differently.  I came home with a completely different attitude.  I made up a chart for all three boys that consisted of BEHAVIOR, CHORES, HOMEWORK, and EXTRA CREDIT.  We have a system!  We had a family meeting tonight following dinner, and after, I wrote up a contract.  They will sign this tomorrow.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I will no longer reward my children, unless it is earned.  Everything will be earned and/or taken away.  I will not be treated with disrespect and tortured.  Homework fights are over.  So is the back talking, sibling rivalry, disobedience, and tantrums.  I am taking back over control!  One of the things Jude and I have to do for therapy homework is to write a list of what we consider to be a good parent.  Should be a piece of cake.  I may post that later when it is done.
I have a few underlying issues with Jude and his parenting role.  One is-he is way too lenient and does not correct our children like he should.  I am the disciplinarian.  He is the passive parent.  No one ever really listens to him, and he doesn't seem as bothered by it as I do.  I feel like I am always picking up his slack.  Two is-he says, way too often, that we don't spend enough time with our kids.  THAT drives me nuts!  My entire life is centered around my children.  There are cub scouts, football practices and martial arts, Monday through Friday.  Every Friday evening is family night, which consists of pizza and a movie, or some other fun family thing.  That's been in affect for over a year.  Bedtime stories are read 6 out of 7 nights a week, always have been.  Dinner is eaten at the table together EVERY night; all 6 of us.  We attend church together at the church THEY want to attend, plus catechism on Sundays.  We also will fit in a weekend family fun day almost every weekend.  I am on the PTO at both schools, a room leader for my Pre-K student, home every afternoon when they get home from school, and we still find time to interact and play with them.  Yet, he feels we do not spend enough "time" with them.  That is something he needs to work out within himself, and I hope he can knock that out during one of our future therapy visits.  I think we spend TOO much time with them.  lol  WE need more alone time! We are doing the best we can with four rambunctious boys, but every now and then, we all need a little help.  I guess that is sometimes hard to accept, like admitting you are not doing that great of a job, when performing the most important job you will ever have in your life.  I'm glad I have Jude by my side.  There is such a long road ahead...

PS-I don't write this for you to judge me.  I write this to remember the hard times, so the good times will feel that much better.  I am not the only parent that has lost it on their children, and I hope this helps someone else maybe going through the same thing.

Dancing with the Stars, Fifth Grade Edition

When Cullen came home months ago with a paper from his school announcing they were doing a "Dancing with the Stars" type of class for the fifth graders, I was eager to sign the permission slip and get Cullen started. Cullen, on the other hand, was totally against it. I had a feeling when I signed the permission slip, it wasn't going to get turned in. I even threatened him, saying I was going to check up on him and this dancing at the parent/teacher conferences, to make sure he was attending. It is during the PE hour. Well, guess what, I didn't follow through. So, months go by, and one day Cullen slips up and says something like, "That's the time all the other kids go to dance."
Wait! Hold up! Back up!
"Cullen, you didn't do the dance class like I told you to?!" It had been a couple months in at this point. Oh, did he get an ear full! He was grounded from all the glorious things he liked. I knew that permission slip was going to disappear!
Within a few days, without me telling him to, and in trying to redeem himself, he approached the coach and professional dance instructor at school and tried weaseling his way in the class. He was successful, too. That boy! He is a permanent substitute, in case any kids miss class, but he has been learning the dances and catching on quick and...HE LIKES IT! Imagine that. My whole point in wanting him to sign up was to try something new and see if he would like it. I want my kids to be well rounded and learn all sorts of new things while they are young. Cullen is a fantastic soccer player, baseball player, he's figured out football is not his thing, nor basketball, he is in Jiu Jitsu, is an awesome artist, and he is learning a second language of Spanish. He can add ballroom dancer to that list now. I want to push them to experience the most out of life. One day, they will thank me. As for now, he is giving me great memories to cherish forever.
Cullen, and his friends


Here are the video links of his new found skill...
The Salsa
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ii97DSTbFUk
The Waltz
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQv5J8XBY1k
Swing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHXEkQwlhdM
Tango
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=549pNxMXz60
Merengue
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaAvpg8sYmU

The sex talk, minus the sex

Friday night is family movie night at our house, a tradition we just recently started. Tonight we rented "Look Who's Talking" so the boys could see a newborn baby with his "daily thoughts". Anyway, as soon as the movie started, you have the sperm swimming to the egg. From that point on, Cullen tried to ask a million questions during the entire movie. I tried to fast forward through a few parts, including the opening, but that didn't stop him. I told him to hold all his questions until the movie was over, and for when his brothers weren't around. Then Aiden chimes in, "We're ALWAYS going to be around!". So sorry we picked this movie! When it was over, it was late, almost eleven, and I told Jude to have a seat because I was not doing this sex talk alone. I already knew the questions to expect for the most part, but I was SURE he was going to ask about the birds and the bees. We haven't had that talk yet. He's ten.
So, Cullen starts the conversation off asking if those were sperm. "Yes, they were."
C: "What were they doing?"
Me: "Swimming to the egg."
C: "The woman has the egg?" "Yes."
C: "How do they know to come out?"
Me: Thinking logically, I said "Gravity". I was thinking the wrong way.
Jude: "When a man and woman are married, the sperm just know that it is time to come out."
C: "Then how come people who aren't married have babies?"
Me: "Because you can do anything you want to do with your life, but there will be CONSEQUENCES! Some people make the wrong decisions before marriage."
C: Starts going through a list of young people he knows that are single parents.
Me: "Do any of those people have wonderful family lives or do they struggle taking care of their child alone?"
C: "Struggle." I gave him a few examples.
Me: "You can do anything you want, in the end, it is your decision, your life, and you are the one who will suffer the consequences." I then brought God into the conversation and also informed him that just because the girl has the baby doesn't mean she will raise it. He could end up raising the child, and I told him to look at his little brothers as examples of how demanding children can be. You don't get a break. They are permanent.
The conversation continued with questions about sperm donors, enemas, and lesbians; not in that order.
Jude tried to answer the sperm donation question and it started off with "A man puts his sperm in a jar...". I almost fell out my chair to stop him. I told Cullen it is a very technical medical procedure and is something he can wait to learn about later on in life. There is a such thing as TMI.
The entire talk was an awkward conversation to say the least, but he did not once ask about the actual act of "sex", and it was too late in the night for me to dive into it. My brain was half off. I am a little worried he may already know things I don't want him to know from his peers.
My parents didn't have the birds and the bees talk with me until it was too late. I don't want that for him, but I am also clueless in this area on what to say. I think I need a book of some kind. Any suggestions?

(Let me just end this post with, as an adult, I am aware of many healthy, wonderful, families who are headed by single parents, but I am not about to fill my young child's head with stuff I do not want for him. I only pray he does not knock up some teenage girl, which could make me a grandparent in the next three to nine years.)

Dinner with a three year old tyrant

Roman does not eat dinner. Ever! He barely eats lunch. He just pushes his plate away and snubs his nose. We have tried many different routes, but so far, none have worked. We have plenty of issues trying to feed this child and have limited snacks to bread, crackers, fruit snacks, fruit, granola bars, etc. Meaning, he doesn't walk around eating Ding Dong's, cookies, and chocolate all day. He is stubborn times a hundred. Tonight, I tried to get him to taste a green bean and although I know I shouldn't have used bribery, I wanted to see how far this would go and took out my iphone to record it. We were all done eating dinner.



Some of the things he says in the video (I had to cut the first few seconds to be able to download it to here):
"Daddy gonna eat the bean, Daddy eat the bean!"
"I don't want to get a snoball."
"I not getting snoball."
"I can't...I going in the corner."
That's Aiden laughing at the end.

It does not matter if it is a green bean, mac and cheese, or a cracker he does not want. This is the response to food put in front of him.
Now, let me just state for the record, besides putting him in his room at dinner when he refuses to eat with us, we have NEVER put him in the corner. He punishes himself these days.
I love him so much, bad attitude and all. This is an every night occurrence. No need to wonder why I read all the parenting books!

Little people, BIG attitudes

All day the boys have been in rare form and I couldn't wait to get them to bed. Of course, things didn't change there. Aiden asked me to read them a book and I agreed. They get a book read to them six out of seven nights. He got a new paper back Transformer book today and as I started to read it, I found it was pretty easy to skip pages without them realizing. (I mean, I am exhausted from all the 'tude today.) Well, I thought no one realized. I got to the very last page and Aiden says, "You skipped a page, and you skipped a few pages here, here, here...". I said, "Then I can just reread it to you tomorrow night with all the new parts. I didn't realize I missed pages." How did he know with it being a brand new book?!
I came and sat on the recliner in the peace and quiet and I can hear them giggling, talking, arguing, and so on. Then, Aiden starts crying. It was an attention cry so I didn't bother getting up. (You can tell the difference in cries.)
He kept on and on with the whining, then he says "Mom! Roman poked me in the eye!".
I said "Aiden, I don't care. You need to go to sleep. Now!! I am tired of the games at night and I specifically told you two I didn't want to hear a peep."
Aiden yells back "You don't care if I die?! I could die. He poked me in the eye!".
Then, I hear Aiden say in a lower voice "Roman, I am going to poke YOU in the eye!".
Before I could respond, I hear Roman crying.
I fuss at Aiden to stop it and to go to sleep. I threaten to punish him from his Lego game on the computer and he starts all kind of back talking. I punish him for one day. I hear in a low voice "Mom is stupid. She doesn't care. She says I am punished from my game and I didn't do anything. Hmmfph!".
Myself, saying loudly "That's it. Two days off the computer."
The reply from Aiden is "I didn't say anything!".
I said "I heard you call me stupid, Aiden."
He says, "I called myself stupid, not you! I said that I'm stupid."
We must have argued for what seemed like an hour with him getting himself in more and more trouble. I think by the time he finally went to sleep, we were at two weeks with no computer games. (Jude is working tonight.)
Roman had his moments all day, too. I think he got fussed more today than he has in his entire three years of life.
Sometimes, Jude and I just don't know WHAT to do. It feels like our kids rule us at times. Especially at dinner time. Definitely at bed time. We read parenting books, we have stacks, and the advice always sounds nice until you are in the moment and things aren't going "text book" ways. It is so hard being a parent, yet so rewarding at the same time. Some days, I look at Jude and ask "Why? Why did we do this to ourselves?". Other days, I look at him and say "Could you imagine how boring and empty our lives would be without our children?". Parenting is a catch-22! All I know is that I am aging FAST.

Play-dating with Lilly and friends and the imaginary tooth fairy

Today we went to Amy's house with our MF's for Lilly's second birthday party. She is just a few days younger than Roman and we partied it up with Elmo and friends. We had a fun morning hanging out with everyone.

Roman says "Not now, brother, there's cake!"

When we left, since we were passsssing the Krispy Kreme, we just had to stop and get some donuts. Here are two silly boys in the back seat with new hats...

When the evening came, Cullen came home and had a big question for me.
"Is the tooth fairy real?"
I replied, "Of course baby."
He was giggling and couldn't stop asking.
My reply was "If you don't believe, you don't receive. It's your choice, Cullen."
It was a bit odd. He had just lost a tooth two nights ago and remembered to put it under his pillow last night. At 1:30 in the morning, I snuck in his room quietly, grabbed the tooth, threw two dollars under the pillow and went to bed.
Well, he was sitting at the table tonight and just started pouring his eyes out crying. I asked what was wrong and he said "I saw you come in my room last night. I stayed up all night waiting for the tooth fairy and you came in at 1:30. I was quiet and when you left I didn't go to sleep until 3 in the morning because I was so upset. The tooth fairy ISN'T real!"
I then explained he is a big boy now because he knows the truth and explained the tooth fairy "process" over the past nine years, as I cuddled him in my arms like a newborn. I reminded him that he has two little brothers that still believe and to keep it all a secret. I am sure Aiden will find out by the time his next tooth falls out.

My tenth Mother's Day

This year was my tenth Mother's Day and I am truly blessed to have all three boys and a wonderful husband. Jude and I count our blessings a lot. It is hard in a materialistic world to not want all the finer things. No one has it ALL. God has been so good to us in so many ways, we like to harp on those things at home. We try to be thankful for what we have. One that is a given is that we have three healthy boys. Boys that love us unconditionally. They may give us a lot of trouble at times, but they make up for it with the sweet loving they give. They are such a form of entertainment I am not sure how I lived before them, ten years ago. Life had to have been boring. Last night I sat and talked with a girlfriend about life and the many different ways people live it. One of the reasons I liked that movie Trouble the Water so much was because it made me appreciate all that I have. I hope and pray I am providing the best life for my boys with the resources and values we have. I often worry that I am not a good mother. A nine year old boy can make you feel that way, as can a four year old. I know there is always room for improvement but sometimes I feel I am doing the best I can and can't stretch any further. You know how some people have parents that they can never do right by, never good enough, that is how I feel with Cullen. I can never and will never make him happy. It breaks my heart because as a mother, it is my job to mold him, provide for him, and give him everything mentally and emotionally that he needs. Sometimes I feel as if I am failing him and I am not sure if it is me, him, or the average nine year old kid. He made me a card today and I will post it below. This is just a tiny look into us. I worry about the future, his future. My divorce to his father was very hard on him at the age of three. I never could have imagined the impact it would have on his life. I feel like I scarred him at a very young age. I know if I would have stayed married to his father, Cullen would not have the loving, enjoyable life he has now. I want him to understand it all one day but will have to wait many many years to get that deep into it with him and it eats away at me, slowly. I don't have many friends with older children. I had Cullen at a young age which puts me at a disadvantage. I hope one day I can be there to help another mom going through a similar situation, because I know I would love to have someone to relate to at this stage. I often get asked, "How do you do it? How do you raise three boys?". Honestly, I do not know. I would look at another mother with three boys and ask that same question, before realizing I have three little boys standing behind me. When I was pregnant with Cullen, I wanted him to be a boy so bad. I got nervous at the thought of having a girl because I didn't have a good relationship with my mother before then, because many girls didn't like me growing up so I thought I didn't like girls, because I had a sister who hated me and because I was sort of a tom boy. I am not a gentle person, I am actually kinda rough and I do not have a soft voice. I could give you a million reasons why I didn't want a girl. A boy was born. I was so happy. The second pregnancy, five years later, life changed, I wanted a girl but would take another boy for Jude. A boy was born. The third pregnancy I wanted a girl so bad, I cried when I found out it was a boy. Jude and I were just recently talking about having a fourth. I want a girl, but today, would be just as happy with a boy. I think God knew what he was doing when he gave me three active boys and will understand if he gives me a fourth boy in the future. I want a big family. I love having my children under me though you would never think that upon first meeting me. They drive me crazy and I keep going back for more. Each one brings me a different joy. All three have different personalities which brings me different pleasures. I am blessed. I am fortunate. I am lucky!
Each day Jude goes to work and carries the responsibility of supporting the entire family on his shoulders, all five of us, while I get to stay home and watch our babies grow and flourish. I get to spend endless minutes of their life with them that I can never get back. Some days I have to remind myself to not yell at them so much, or be more patient with them, to hug them more throughout the day than fuss them, but I wouldn't trade my job for the world. There is nothing in this world I want more, materialistically or other, than to be THEIR full time mother.

You need a cosmetology license

Roman and I relaxed all day while Cullen was still at his dads and Aiden still at his Nanny's. It was a nice picture of what the future holds for me once Aiden starts school in August. I am liking it. Anyway, after we napped for three and a half hours, Jude came home with Aiden and we were going to get snoballs. When Aiden walked in the door, I froze up and may have stopped breathing for a minute or two. While he was at his Nanny's, she decided she was going to cut his hair. His bangs to be precise. OMG! My poor poor baby. I will let the pictures explain it all.
After I started breathing again and could move, I gave Jude a hard time for not saying anything to her when he picked him up. He didn't say a word. We have been letting Aiden's hair grow out because it is so cute long. Well, that dream has been put on hold. We went to get snoballs and I was terribly embarrassed to get out the car with him. I'm sorry to admit that, but it's the truth. Then, his parents called and said they were coming over. I rehearsed with Aiden what to say. She MUST have a cosmetology license to cut it again. I told him ANYONE who cuts his hair must have a cosmetology license for future reference. When they walked in, I said "Nanny, I love you but please do not cut his hair again. Aiden, tell her what she or anyone needs to cut your hair..." He replies, "A license!" Thank you. Then she says, "Well it was so long and in his eyes and it was bothering him, he said it itched him, so I cut it for him to get it out of his eyes." After Nanny left, I asked Aiden, "Did your hair bother you? Was it in your eyes?" He replied without hesitation, "No." I didn't think so:)
Roman is healthy and happy! He is ready to celebrate his second birthday Monday.
My beautiful blond babes hair a few days ago

Now, he is all business in the front, party in the back

Mullet boy with his snoball

Yuummmmmy!

The French kiss

Friday when Jude came home from Vegas, we were in the car leaving the airport and we couldn't help ourselves...we kissed. Cullen and Ro were in the backseat. Not to be gross, but it was an adult kiss that maybe should have waited but we hadn't seen each other in four days. Nothing too passionate, but adult. Well Cullen was apparently looking and said "Ewww, gross. You two stop that." We immediately stopped and told him to quit looking and he better not try that with anyone. When asked why, I told him that is how you get pregnant; and he doesn't want any babies yet, right? He accepted that answer and we were on our way.
So Saturday we were driving to Hammond and it was just the boys and I. Cullen, out of the clear blue, busts up with, "Mom, if kids kiss like that, can kids get pregnant?" OMG! I didn't know what to say besides tell him the truth at that point. How long had he been thinking about this and who was he going to share this new info with?! I told him it was a joke and the joke was on him. He laughed. End of conversation.