Feelings on a fourth boy

When I was pregnant with my first child, Cullen, I only wanted a boy. I was scared to death of having a girl. I swore I would send the baby back if it was anything but. I was so excited to learn he was a boy during the ultrasound. I got what I wanted and loved it!
When I became pregnant with Aiden, again, I wanted a boy. I was remarried and I wanted my husband to have a son of his own, to carry on the last name of the family. I was ecstatic to discover that my fetus had a penis. Again, I got what I wanted. Super happy!
When it was time for my third child, I wanted a girl so badly. I already had two boys. When we did the ultrasound with Roman, I poured my eyes out in the waiting room after we saw he was a boy. I was devastated, instead of happy and joyful. I should have been celebrating that he was healthy and active, appearing on the screen right before my eyes. I had built myself up for a girl and was at a complete loss. Emotionally distraught.
When January of 2009 came around, Jude and I started talking about having another child. We knew we wanted another baby then, but weren't ready at that moment. We were going through a rough spot together and wanted to make sure we were making the right decision. We agreed we would try in May. Well May came around and we still weren't ready. Things were great between us, but we felt our hands were full. Aiden hadn't started school yet and I was feeling overwhelmed with Aiden and Roman both at home all day. As the months passed by, we still entertained the idea, but weren't ready to start trying. We said we would discuss it again in September. Finally, we sat down and looked at the Chinese Birth Chart to try and figure out when were the "girl months". Of course, we both wanted a girl. We already had three boys. There were times I can remember coming home from play dates and crying to Jude about how bad I wanted a girl, as if I couldn't conceive at all. About the time we were ready to try again a few months back, Jude and I had started going to church on a regular basis and were seeing positive changes in ourselves, and were having a wonderful relationship with our almighty God. One day after a Sunday morning service, around November 2009, I felt this emotional breakthrough happen and I turned to Jude, tears streaming fast, and told him that I was so ready to add to our family again. I didn't care if it was a boy or a girl, I just wanted another child. I felt ashamed that I had yearned for a girl so badly in the past, when I was so very fortunate that we could so easily conceive big, healthy babies. I started thinking how great it would be to have another boy, and was ready for either or, just a fourth healthy child. We started trying immediately, and I became pregnant on January 1, 2010. All along in the pregnancy, I've heard the same question over and over "So, you all are trying for that girl?", and it isn't something I like to hear. The reason is different than what you would think. It is a constant reminder to me of how terrible I was during those years yearning for something that I didn't have, focusing on the negative, idolizing something other than God. Thinking I knew what was better for me than what God had in store for me. When we did the ultrasound with for our fourth baby a couple of weeks ago, I was happy to see our cute little baby bouncing around. When I spotted the penis, I was happy to know what I was having. Cullen and Jude were in the room with me, and I could feel they were both a tad disappointed. I started to feel sad, like I was going to let so many more people down. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, so many people that were cheering us on for a girl the past four months. But inside me, I was happy. Happy that God had blessed us with another healthy baby. A boy is definitely easier at this point, considering I have a clue in to what I am doing with them, I have the space for another boy at home, and hand-me-downs will still be going strong. Brothers!
So will we have another one? Will we "try again for that girl"? I am not sure at this point. If I had to make a definite decision today, I would say we are done. BUT, we thought we were done after Roman, even as going as far as getting a doctor set to perform a surgery to help out with that. I changed my mind when we left the doctor's office. I wasn't sure we were done yet and Roman was just a few months old. In a few years, we may change our minds and want to add on. But if we did, it wouldn't be to have a girl...it would just be to add another loving soul to this great, big, happy family that God has blessed us with.