My tenth Mother's Day

This year was my tenth Mother's Day and I am truly blessed to have all three boys and a wonderful husband. Jude and I count our blessings a lot. It is hard in a materialistic world to not want all the finer things. No one has it ALL. God has been so good to us in so many ways, we like to harp on those things at home. We try to be thankful for what we have. One that is a given is that we have three healthy boys. Boys that love us unconditionally. They may give us a lot of trouble at times, but they make up for it with the sweet loving they give. They are such a form of entertainment I am not sure how I lived before them, ten years ago. Life had to have been boring. Last night I sat and talked with a girlfriend about life and the many different ways people live it. One of the reasons I liked that movie Trouble the Water so much was because it made me appreciate all that I have. I hope and pray I am providing the best life for my boys with the resources and values we have. I often worry that I am not a good mother. A nine year old boy can make you feel that way, as can a four year old. I know there is always room for improvement but sometimes I feel I am doing the best I can and can't stretch any further. You know how some people have parents that they can never do right by, never good enough, that is how I feel with Cullen. I can never and will never make him happy. It breaks my heart because as a mother, it is my job to mold him, provide for him, and give him everything mentally and emotionally that he needs. Sometimes I feel as if I am failing him and I am not sure if it is me, him, or the average nine year old kid. He made me a card today and I will post it below. This is just a tiny look into us. I worry about the future, his future. My divorce to his father was very hard on him at the age of three. I never could have imagined the impact it would have on his life. I feel like I scarred him at a very young age. I know if I would have stayed married to his father, Cullen would not have the loving, enjoyable life he has now. I want him to understand it all one day but will have to wait many many years to get that deep into it with him and it eats away at me, slowly. I don't have many friends with older children. I had Cullen at a young age which puts me at a disadvantage. I hope one day I can be there to help another mom going through a similar situation, because I know I would love to have someone to relate to at this stage. I often get asked, "How do you do it? How do you raise three boys?". Honestly, I do not know. I would look at another mother with three boys and ask that same question, before realizing I have three little boys standing behind me. When I was pregnant with Cullen, I wanted him to be a boy so bad. I got nervous at the thought of having a girl because I didn't have a good relationship with my mother before then, because many girls didn't like me growing up so I thought I didn't like girls, because I had a sister who hated me and because I was sort of a tom boy. I am not a gentle person, I am actually kinda rough and I do not have a soft voice. I could give you a million reasons why I didn't want a girl. A boy was born. I was so happy. The second pregnancy, five years later, life changed, I wanted a girl but would take another boy for Jude. A boy was born. The third pregnancy I wanted a girl so bad, I cried when I found out it was a boy. Jude and I were just recently talking about having a fourth. I want a girl, but today, would be just as happy with a boy. I think God knew what he was doing when he gave me three active boys and will understand if he gives me a fourth boy in the future. I want a big family. I love having my children under me though you would never think that upon first meeting me. They drive me crazy and I keep going back for more. Each one brings me a different joy. All three have different personalities which brings me different pleasures. I am blessed. I am fortunate. I am lucky!
Each day Jude goes to work and carries the responsibility of supporting the entire family on his shoulders, all five of us, while I get to stay home and watch our babies grow and flourish. I get to spend endless minutes of their life with them that I can never get back. Some days I have to remind myself to not yell at them so much, or be more patient with them, to hug them more throughout the day than fuss them, but I wouldn't trade my job for the world. There is nothing in this world I want more, materialistically or other, than to be THEIR full time mother.