Blogging can be free therapy. I miss you, Brandi.

We woke up this morning and I knew I had to get out the house. I have try to make today about the kids and not fall apart. Aiden woke up asking me "Do we have any play dates today? Are we going to play with our friends?". So that we did. We went to CEC with Amy and her crew and let out tons of energy.





The kids are napping after a long afternoon of play and now I am sitting in the dark, in a quiet house, typing out to the world. I just feel beat up inside. I feel miserable. Yucky. I can't help but feel in a funk. I talked to my friend Rachael today and she is feeling the same way. It's still so fresh. We would love to have a jail visit with Leo! I want to have a discussion with him. I want to know if there is any remorse. I want to know if today's date even rings a bell with him. The last two years have been a very long two years of my life. I know I have gained a few wrinkles during this time. I don't think about this all on a daily basis anymore, but when I do, it still sucks like it was yesterday. There is a bitter part in me that won't go away. I look at people differently now. He changed my perspective on some of my friends and gave me a few new ones. He changed the way I watch the news, the extra attention I give to missing person cases and the cases I continue to follow, waiting for a better outcome than what we had. To think back to two years ago and how I was in the company of a murderer who killed my friend is bewildering. We knew he killed her, yet we put ourselves in outrageous situations to come to the truth. Once, me and a few friends went to his place and knocked on the door. We were handing out missing person fliers in his hood and thought we should stop by his place. There we are, sitting on Brandi's sofa, listening to Leo as he shows us their family albums and nervously cleaning under his nails. WTF? Why did we go there? What were we thinking? I wonder what he was thinking. I acted as if I had sympathy for him trying to get truths out of him, to no prevail. Hour long talks on the phone as he belittled my dear friend, trying to get him to slip up. Nothing. It all makes me sick to my stomach. We followed him around town on some weekends trying to see what he did daily, as we handled the missing Brandi campaign. Once, we were in front of his girlfriends house (at the time) and it was a total circle neighborhood in Diamondhead, one way in, one way out. We spotted him and we all ducked, including the driver. We drove through a lot, off the road. Then, she blew the horn on accident. Twice. We laughed so hard we almost pissed ourselves and all of us wished Brandi was with us. Rachael said it perfectly earlier...we were Brandi's puppets. She lead us where to go and we did what we were pushed to do. All of us. I look forward to seeing her on the other side, with her smirk smile, and unforgettable laugh. She had certain expressions that you can see in Bailee. I miss Bailee. I wish I could be way more involved in her daughter's lives. One day, when they are eighteen, they will have the option given to them. I have lots to share with them when they are older, including love. I loved the way Brandi would say "Nu-uhh", silly, but that is one of the things I remember, and her oldest has some of the same mannerisms. Meme had a dream with Brandi in it a few weeks ago and I wish it was me. I want Brandi to come visit me in my dreams. She did once. I am selfish and I want more. Follow Brandi's story on myspace, here!
Granny is having back surgery tomorrow, putting in a rod and four screws and doing a bone graft, fusing her back together. This should take my mind off of it all. I pray Granny has a safe and quick recovery! I will be staying with her a lot during the upcoming days, am not sure how much blogging I will be doing. Of course Granny (aka Gooney bird) doesn't have any internet. I will have to live with that.